I’ve never been shy, and I’m not quiet, but many people think I am. During my 8th grade year of middle school, I was referred to as quiet, though not directly. A month ago, I was told that I’m known for being “shy.” I’ve always disliked being labeled shy and quiet because it makes me feel misunderstood – I’m exactly the opposite.
Yet, as I reflect, I can see the ways that I act belie my inner social, extrovert nature. I choose to be on my phone during some circumstances where I could instead be socializing with others. I put a fair amount of focus into getting my school work done. I worry about what people think of me which falsely portrays a shy observer nature, when I don’t talk to new people because I fear that they’re judging me. Also, I have high-functioning autism, which sometimes creates a mismatch between my feelings and how I express myself.
I get more energy from hanging out with my friends and classmates at school than I do alone in my room. Sometimes, I enjoy sitting and listening to music alone with my thoughts, but eventually I start feeling lonely. I begin to wonder if people are hanging out and having fun without me because no one wants to invite someone who they assume, based on prior observations, will just sit in a corner doing their own thing.
However, multiple times, my concern that I’ve been excluded is soothed and contradicted by the constant reminder how much people care about me every day when I walk around school, and everyone says, “hi, how are you?” in the hall. I’ve grown to understand that I need to change my focus from my phone, homework, and being judged, and just jump in and be kind.
It’s a two-way street. The more time I spend questioning others’ perceptions of me as shy or quiet, the more I appear to be exactly the way I don’t want to be seen. It’s self-fulfilling. I will still need to be vocal about how I feel just as I am about my autism, but I also need to become more aware of my body language and the effect is has on the world’s perception of who I am; my personality.